radiantshadow (radiantshadow) wrote,

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2004 Year In Review

Well this has probably been one of the most interesting (read: emotional) years in my short life thus far:

I got engaged, then subsequently broke up with her and became single again. as per usual in that relationship, we broke up/off the wedding multiple times until someone (read: me) finally said what we both knew. "this isn't going to work". I am impressed that we were able to lie to each other and to ourselves for so long. Impressed and depressed at the same time. that we wasted so much time both each others time and our own. Many things can be said about that 2-3 year span in our lives, but you clearly can not say that we didnt try.

I started training at MCAS Yuma, and subsequently got terminated from my MOS. For some stupid reason, I approached air traffic control from a different perspective than i usually do, and i paid the price of doing so. I am usually much more bold, less timid, fight more, give in less. Just proves what i knew before, boldness wins.

Did a short 3 month stint on CMF / Guard Duty. And now am back at base operations. I was assigned to the 0100 field, which is admin, but my gunny is trying to get me into a more tech related MOS, but may just end up having me be 0352. Infantry. Actually a TOW gunner, but thats cool, i really didnt join the USMC to push papers around and drive a desk anyways.

I saw MJEL for the first time in 8 years and rekindled feelings that long since had been dormant and had to extinguish them when i left. MJEL, if you are reading this, iwaly, and am eternally grateful for the love and friendship that we share.

Saw jax for the first time in like 3 years ? and had a wonderful time with her as well. jax, you are an angel, but what in the world (in heaven ?) did you do to piss off God, that he sent you someone like me.... ?

In my attempts to re-assure fraly that all was safe and secure, I introduced her to jax, and now, as i write this, the relationship with jax, which was never a threat to fraly, stands fractured. depending on who you ask, largely because that bitch wont mind her own damn business (yes you do detect a large amount of bitterness). hopefully it will heal with time. [ i originally wrote that bit a few days ago, weeks ? anyways, things are getting back to normal ]

My sister joined and started serving as an officer in the United States Navy, and now we are both seeing that our opportunities to see each other are greatly limited. Princess got back from her float and we continue to play phone tag to this day trying to get together on the phone.

I trusted someone and was betrayed. Not badly, but enough to make me step back and withdraw somewhat.

I have been lost, depressed and running scared.
Satisfied, secure and content.
I have felt defeated, frightened and nervous.
Sad, hated, hopelessness, angry, enraged and humiliated.
I have been accepted, loved, warmed and understood.

If there is an emotion available to the human spirit, it seems as if I have felt it multiple times this year in its most extreme forms.

I gave my heart and my all to one for two to three years, had it torn and shredded before my eyes before the defenses kicked in to kick her out of my life and gather the pieces and take them back. I gave it to another and she took it, looked at it, inspected all the tears, the creases, the parts that had been pounded until they were actually smooth again. She caressed it, kissed it, and gave it back, saying that she couldnt deal with a heart like this. And then as often happens, from out of nowhere a stranger came along, and with tears and sobs, smiles, mischievous grins and dancing eyes put it all into perspective and got me back on track. LTH, where in the world did you come from ???

I now stand at a crossroads. OCS and the world of officers stand on one side, enlisted and the elusive title of Gunnery Sergeant of Marines on the other. There is the brooding darkness of my new job at hand. Admin, Command and Control, and Infantry are all vying for my attention, along with all the other potential jobs that i might get (i really just want to be in the field). Iraq is an ever-present thought. I still havent been there yet, and i know some who have been there up to three times already. When will it be my turn ? There will be plenty of time for that. It is my prediction that if we dont outright abandon Iraq, we will be there for the next 10 years. And that is an absolute optimistic minimum. we were in the Philippines for what 40 ? and we still go back on a regular basis.

other predictions for the new year ? the iraqi elections will be a joke, hopefully that is the worst that will happen, every day it seems as if a bloodbath will be the a more appropriate term. lets all pray i am wrong on that one. who ever gets elected wont last till June, probably due to an assassination. I would really not want to be on his security detail. Dumsfeld wont last past, lets say May. Why Bush keeps him around is a wonder, maybe he just needs a fall guy. Hopefully i will have a new MOS and be stationed somewhere, doing something interesting. One can only wonder if I will be able to be home from christmas a year from now.

I have lived 10 years in the past year. I crossed boundaries, broke through barriers and allowed some borders to be erected. Next year I will be 30. it seems as if i will be 70. Yet there are still tasks to be completed, dreams to be conceived, the scars will heal and sadly, because this is not a perfect world, new ones will be made.

As i stand looking into next year, many questions are on my mind. but as always, the best way to find the answers are to step boldly into tomorrow. a little wiser, a little stronger, my two year mark in the Corps is in March. mind boggling the transformation that has taken place. one thing about the Marines... it does change you. for the better.


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