Is there a time, or a limit, to when you give and you give, then you cant give anymore ?
That is where I feel like I am right now. I dont know if I can go on. I dont know if I have the capacity to give of myself to another. I have my friends, I have my nucleus. And to them I am extremely loyal. But, *sigh*, after having been hurt. After having someone take and take and take some more, I have to ask myself the question, "do i have the capacity to do that all again ?" And right now the answer is a quiet, humbling no. I just want to be alone. Again. There was a time when I reveled in my solitude. When that was just the way things were and I was happy to have it stay that way.
Then I fell in love. Or what passed for such. And I gave everything that was humanly possible for me to give. And my opposite took and took, and it was never enough. And I could never give enough, so i finally said enough.
I finished reading a book recently, "the five people you meet in heaven", by Mitch Albom.
I had heard about it in passing a few times, then when I was visiting a friend, well he was at his wife's parents place fixing a computer in what i suppose could be called the library, they had the book. So I pick it up, read the front cover and my heart almost melted as I read and knew I had to buy it.
a short quotes:
"That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."
Eddie shook his head. "We were throwing a ball. It was my stupidity, running out there like that. Why should you have to die on account of me? It ain't fair."
The Blue Man held out his hand. "Fairness," he said, "does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."
That life isn't fair... one of those little details that I know well, but hate to be reminded of... it really is a good book that I would highly recommend. I just spent the last five minutes trying to find another quote, but it is so well written, that removing a piece just doesnt quite do it justice.
I wrote everything out side of the "--" last week, mostly due to stress. mental / emotional just everything. i considered not posting it, as it was / is mostly incoherent mumblings of a lost soul wandering the planet. but then... I suppose a combination of things told me to post. anyways ....